2005-01-19 - 6:00 p.m.
everyone's so depressed these days. maybe its exams, maybe its the fact that christmas is over, maybe its reality setting in - we're all applying to universities and we realize that we're not going to be here forever. one we day we're going pack up, get on a plane and say goodbye to the life we knew with our families and friends for the past 18 years. we're going to live with complete strangers and are going to be four years away from complete independence - financially and otherwise.
i seem so tired these days. i try to sleep eight hours a night (sometimes i get 10) but i still feel so tired. i sleep on the bus, in the afternoon, in class time... i never seem to get enough sleep. sometimes i wonder if one day in the near future i will never wake up at all, be asleep for all eternity...
perhaps part of the tiredness is putting on a front everyday. these days, its all about appearance. i know how i look to everyone else. i'm a good girl, a christian who gets good grades. i have to be civil to everybody.
(but in reality, i'm an atheist leaning towards buddhism, i have to work hard for my grades and don't breeze through classes like everyone else. i'm gawky, i hate myself, but never wish i were anyone else. i'm learning to live with myself but its a slow and painful process. someday i hope to love myself and learn who i am inside and out... be comfortable with seeing through my eyes and living in my body.)
even if i went out and killed someone, no one would talk. i was the christian girl led wrong by the devil.
(i don't even believe in the devil. i don't believe in being led astray by evil forces. you're your own person and you are responsible for yourself.)
it seems as though i can't trust anyone anymore. paranoia is beginning to seep through my bones. i get angry at everybody. internally. i never let it show. everybody pisses me off so bad, it's like one little thing happens and the proverbial shit hits the proverbial fan.
and this type of human suffering? it never ends.
