2005-02-07 - 1:17 p.m.
i suppose its time to write my impending review of Alexander.
Alexander is very much like the essay you spent too much time on and therefore have a lot of crap in it that it could really do without. There's a lot of fat on this being that just wiggles around to no purpose; for example, the old wrinkly guy in the beginning (can't remember his name). we have absolutely no clue he is until the end. while we're trying to figure out how he knows so much about alexander, he mumbles on and on, spewing stolen words of wisdom to his pupil.
the movie works in flashback, so we're switching back and forth between wrinkly old dude spewing worn wisdom and alexander's days (in chronological order for alexander's conquests, random order for his boyhood). we're treated to the almost bipolar Val Kilmer as the king and an equally bipolar Angelina Jolie as the queen. Angelina Jolie's character adds a strange complexity to the story, but i'm not too sure what to make of Val Kilmer. Colin Farrell's effort is admirable and helps to steer away from the fact that most of the lines are flawed.
speaking of lines, some of the lines could be done away with as well - some of the 'pre-battle'-esque male bonding [borderline corny] lines could've been cut; some of the homosexual lovin' could've been done in a little more taste rather than making it seem obscene and depraved. did not like Jared Leto in this show. he somehow does not cut it as a long-haired, blue eyed saviour to alexander's troubled soul.
i won't even delve into the historical inaccuracies, but some are just asking for it. the movie thrives on inconsistencies (it starts in flashback, with alexander dying in alexandria, then it ends in flashback with him dying in babylonia. does anyone else see a problem here?). however, i was constantly amazed at the visuals of this film - i absolutely loved the mosaic maps on the walls of alexandria, the greek drawings of the myths and the sensual look everyone in the film seemed to carry. the beautiful scenery provided a sharp juxtaposition to the fantastically gory battle scenes, and it got more and more brilliant at every location.
so if i were a teacher grading this essay...
to cut: jared leto, rosario dawson, awkward man-loving, awkward colin farrell-rosario dawnson sex scene, awkward old man lecturing awkward pupil, awkward pre-battle lines, johnathan rhys-meyer's weave.
to keep: beautiful people (especially the beautiful babylonian eunuchs), beautiful maps, lovely scenery, angelina jolie, val kilmer, macedonian phalanx (!), cute monkeys, bucephalus.
overall score: 3/5
